How to Become Your Own Valentine

Why Self-Love is Vital to Your Health

by Christiane Northrup, M.D.

Emotional Well-being Self-love

Valentine’s Day is approaching. I’ll never forget the first Valentine’s Day I experienced as a single woman soon after my husband and I separated. It was cold, snowy, and bleak. And I felt alone, miserable, and dejected. Diane Grover, my business manager and friend of many years, intuitively picked up on my mood and braved the snow, ice, and difficult driving to bring me a bouquet of fresh red tulips and a beautiful card. I remember how those tulips looked on my bedside table and how much positive energy they brought during a very difficult time. It felt so good to receive this gift of love and appreciation.

It’s been many years since that lonely Valentine’s Day. And during these years, I have transformed my life—and every cell in my body—by becoming my own Valentine. I admit, back then I truly hoped and prayed that my loneliness would be “cured” by a white knight who would ride to my rescue and make me whole. But it seemed that, no matter how hard I looked, white knights were pretty scarce.

To tell you the truth, I don’t think I would have recognized one if he had galloped right into my yard! My “knight dial” back then was set on a very different frequency—and it wasn’t picking up on the real heroes who have since come into my life. That’s because before I could see and appreciate these special men, I needed to form a new and much more powerful image of what a loving relationship is.

So, I set my feet on the only path that can ever lead to true love with another—the path of self-love and self-acceptance. The beauty of this path is that while it changes your heart, it transforms your entire life. That’s why this Valentine’s Day I want to share some ways you can transform your own approach to love, even if you have a Valentine in your life right now.

9 Tips for Becoming Your Own Valentine

The ability to attract love into your life is as vital to your health as a good diet and exercise. And, when it comes to love—you need to start with loving what is, while at the same time, affirming something better. The path can get a little steep and rocky. But, it’s worth it.

Here are a few tips that helped me ramp up my self-love and my ability to attract love:

  1. Create your sanctuary. After my divorce, I created a cozy home for myself—complete with the colors, fabrics, and furniture that I loved. (This took a while because I had been so focused on what my husband liked that I didn’t even know what my own preferences were!) You don’t need to spend a lot of money creating your personal sanctuary. Try rearranging and decluttering your space, accenting a room with throws and pillows, adding candles – anything that gives you pleasure.
  2. Get clear about money. Trusting yourself to manage your own money and finances is one of the most liberating things you can do for yourself. When you don’t need to rely on someone else to provide for you, you will feel better about yourself and about your relationships.
  3. Dress for you. As I started to feel better and better about myself, I changed the way I dressed. I went from dowdy to more stylish. If you look at my picture on the cover of The Wisdom of Menopause and compare it with the picture on the cover of Mother-Daughter Wisdom, you’ll see the difference. When you start to love yourself, you may find that your style changes, too. At first you may require support until you “see” the person you are becoming.
  4. Use Divine Love. Divine Love is the Source energy that loves and adores you. Think of yourself as a piece of iron that is being turned into steel in a crucible. Say out loud, “Divine love now burns away everything that is not like itself. Divine love is now working in and through me, in and through all concerned, producing quickly and easily, the perfect outcome, the perfect result. Every day I am becoming more and more loving and attracting more and more love.”
  5. Show gratitude toward others. Many of us who have had challenges in the love department are blind to the love that surrounds us, focusing instead on the energy vampires who can never love us because they don’t love themselves. Instead, try spending time with people who truly love you and show gratitude and appreciation toward them. Feeling and expressing gratitude toward others creates a cycle of positive relationship behavior that will help enforce the type of loving partnership you seek.
  6. Breathe properly. There are specific breathing patterns associated with emotions. For example, when someone is experiencing grief, they typically have a difficult time inhaling, often gasping for air, while the exhale is long and slow, often accompanied by a sigh as they struggle to let go of whatever they are grieving. Emotions such as anger, fear, or excitement have very different patterns. Whenever you feel difficult emotions, try “squaring” your breath as follows: a) Inhale for 4 counts, allowing your belly to rise, b) Hold your breath at the top for 4 counts, c) Exhale for 4 counts, and d) Hold your breath at the bottom for 4 counts. You can imagine as you inhale that you are bringing in loving energy, and as you exhale you are releasing limiting beliefs. You can also visualize your breath transforming your pain into light.
  7. Be where you are. Don’t put on a brave face and pretend nothing is wrong. Talk about your pain and frustration with a good friend. Or, simply talk it out to yourself in the mirror. And remember, emotional pain moves more freely through the body when you allow yourself to breathe fully, cry, and move your body.
  8. See yourself as the party. Everyone wants to go to parties that are fun. When you start to see yourself as the party, and learn the art of having fun anywhere, anytime, you are well on your way to becoming your own Valentine.
  9. Tap into your womanly attractor-factor. Female desire is the most potent force for creation in the world. This force can be seen in biology. The egg sends a message to the sperm, which swim wildly toward it. At ovulation, the female body emits a powerful pheromone (an attractor hormone) that makes her irresistible to men. Similarly, a woman who knows what she wants and knows how to turn on her desires becomes magnetic to her highest good. (And I highly recommend that if you need help in this department—and who doesn’t—you get a copy of Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts: Using the Power of Pleasure to Have Your Way with the World by Regena Thomashauer.

8 More Ways to Love Yourself Every Day

You can’t truly love someone else until you fully love and appreciate yourself. So, treat yourself as though you’re someone special every day.

Here are some ways to love yourself this Valentine’s Day and every day:

  1. Write yourself a love note. This takes all of about ten seconds. Just jot down something you love about yourself. Leave yourself a love note on your bathroom mirror so you see it when you get up in the morning. Or, send yourself an email then open it later. You can even scatter love notes around where you will find them throughout the day or week, such as on your grocery list, by the laundry, or in a jacket pocket.
  2. Take a break from social media. Social media causes us to focus on others rather than ourselves. Plus, it takes our attention away from the present moment. When you take a break from social media, you have time to focus on yourself and your own goals.
  3. Engage in healthy rituals. A ritual is a routine with intent behind it. It’s the same as putting mindfulness into practice. Self-care is the most gratifying form of self-love. Try establishing rituals that support your health, such as getting enough sleep, meditating, or dancing. You can also try practicing affirmations or journaling.
  4. Nourish your body. Eating whole foods and drinking pure water are easy ways to show yourself some love, particularly if you suffer from digestive issues (which at mid-life can be related to taking care of everyone but yourself). Nourishing your body with healthy foods can also improve body acceptance and self-esteem.
  5. Get comfortable being alone. Many people today feel anxious being alone. Much of this has to do with our culture’s constant obsession with connection to others through social media. However, spending time alone is good for your health and can be the key to happiness. Set aside time every day to be alone. Use your alone-time to read a good book, take an Epsom salt bath, or try a new activity.
  6. Spend time with real friends. You’ve heard the expression, “Your vibe attracts your tribe.” Be sure to spend time with people who lift you up. The energy of the people you surround yourself with has a direct impact on your own energy.
  7. Establish boundaries. In order to truly love yourself, you are going to have to say “no” to others more often. When you do this, you may find that you have fewer people in your life. Or, you may find that certain people try to lure you back in with increased demands on your time and energy. Don’t give in. When you break the cycle of self-sacrifice, you take a huge step toward self-love.
  8. Say affirmations. Start your day with a positive statement about yourself. The statement can be an acknowledgement of something you have accomplished, such as, “I am a great cook. I made delicious, healthy meals yesterday.” Or, you can make your statement about a feeling you wish to evoke throughout your day, such as, “Today I am joyful and loving.” Practice your affirmations in front of a mirror first thing in the morning.

I want you to become as irresistible, beautiful, sexy, rich, and happy as you can be. The more you tap into the energy of self-love, the better the world becomes for you and for everyone. So, don’t spend another minute pining for what you don’t have, because you really, truly lack for nothing. It’s all inside of you ready to be trotted out, dressed up, and loved.

How have you become your own Valentine? Please leave your comments below.

Learn More — Additional Resources

Last Updated: February 5, 2019

Christiane Northrup, M.D.

Christiane Northrup, M.D., is a visionary pioneer and a leading authority in the field of women’s health and wellness. Recognizing the unity of body, mind, and spirit, she empowers women to trust their inner wisdom, their connection with Source, and their ability to truly flourish.


Add comment
  1. Christine
    5 years ago

    Thank you, Dr Northrup. The best thing I’ve ever done was when I started cultivating true love of myself in 2018. It changed my life for the better.

  2. erica
    5 years ago

    love this!! Selfcare is the best care

  3. Kathy
    5 years ago

    Seriously …Thank YOU! My life is in a much higher place because of all of your teachings , your humor and your brilliance . Shine On Dr. Northrup !

  4. Janette Moody
    5 years ago

    You always lift me up and make me feel better. I’ve been listening to you for years, and today, I really needed a pick-me-up and you were there! Thank you and Happy Valentine’s Day!

  5. Christine Ontko
    5 years ago

    I have a similar story of my first Valentine’s Day after divorce. Thank you for sharing. Women aren’t alone in this! We need to continue to bond through stories that inspire and offer wisdom, like yours do.

  6. Summer Rose
    5 years ago

    Thank you so much for this fabulous article. I resonated with so much you say in there, as I have recently been divorced after a 26 year marriage. I lost myself over those 26 years. Learning to love myself has been the greatest challenge. When I saw the Valentine’s decorations at the grocery store, shortly after the New Year, I found myself getting angry.
    I then made a conscious choice to change that emotion. I decided to turn Valentine’s Day into the day that I focus on me and what makes me happy. My finding this article serves as validation that I am on the right track. Thank you so much!

  7. Vicky
    5 years ago

    I really love this blog entry, thank you so very much Christiane!
    My (ex) partner left me unexpectedly in August last year and I’ve been really struggling with the grief (even though he was an energy vampire!); and since he left I’d been dreading Valentine’s (or as I like to call it, single’s awareness day!). This blog has lifted me up and I feel much more empowered in myself! I will not give my power away to energy vampires anymore and I am now living my life for me! Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be something to dread anymore, it can become a day where I can celebrate the love for myself. Thank you so much! I think I’ll go write myself a love note <3.

  8. Michelle
    5 years ago

    I would like to say “Thank You” for your incredible product Pueraria Mirifica Plus! I have tried many different supplements over the years that all claim incredible results, and most of the time I am very disappointed. Well not this time! Within 1-2 weeks of taking this supplement, and using the vaginal cream, I found my hot flashes that were keeping me awake at night almost completely gone and my vaginal dryness and atrophy to have been completely fixed. To say I am impressed and ecstatically happy is an understatement! I have suggested my sister use it and she has found improvement as well. I then thought “I’m sure this won’t last”, but am incredibly happy that i was wrong, as I am still going great several months later. Needless to say, I am now trying your eye creams, as, if they work half as well, I will be very happy. Once again, my deepest gratitude for your amazing products.

  9. Krista
    5 years ago

    I absolutely love everything you do!! I listen to your book, Making Life Easy, on audible (I’m on my 3rd reading/listening) and it always calms me down. Thank you for all that you’ve experienced. I wanted to listen to your other books (like the ones I saw when you were on Oprah, but I was too young to care about hormones), but can you recommend all the ones on audible read by you? Another narrator is just not the same. THX!!!!

  10. Ratan
    5 years ago

    Beautiful pieces of advices. Thanks very much !!

  11. Tess
    5 years ago

    Thank-You Christiane. This was just what I needed to hear today.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *