A couple years ago, I took a workshop with Jill Rogers called the Seven Sacred Steps. Jill started the workshop with a ritual in which she looked deep into each of our eyes and said, “You are whole, complete, and lacking in nothing.” Tears welled up in my eyes as I felt the truth of this statement from both a soul perspective and as a deep sadness because I still hadn’t found the love (spelled MAN) I was looking for in my life.
Fast-forward a couple years. I now feel “whole, complete, and lacking in nothing.” And guess what? This is NOT because Prince Charming finally rode up to my doorstep. Nope. It is because I have internalized some key things about independence and true love.
1. In order to feel whole and complete, I first had to know the truth: I AM love. I don’t have to go looking for it. In fact, looking for love outside of myself (such as waiting for “THE” relationship to show up), is, quite possibly, the most agonizing dis-ease I’ve ever experienced. I’ve witnessed this in countless others as well.
2. If I expect another person (child, parent, lover, boss, or employee) to complete me in any way, I will always be disappointed.
3. Expectations are premature resentments. Yep—nothing is worse than expecting someone to “complete” you. And then, instead of showing up the way you want them to, they cancel a dinner, a date, an outing, or simply cannot be present with you.
4. Resentments contribute to chronic degenerative disease, including high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes, cancer, and arthritis. Your health can’t afford them.
Having said all that, here is the paradox. None of us is an island. We need each other. We are herd creatures. Community equals immunity—science shows that the more diverse your interests and your social interactions, the better your health.
So what is the answer here? How is it possible to know yourself AS LOVE when part of you is longing to be held and touched and gazed at lovingly?
Follow the two steps below. The more you do the two steps below, the MORE you feel yourself AS LOVE. And the more whole you will feel.
Step one: Feel it to heal it.
About 100% of us have unhealed childhood wounds that are still running our thoughts and our bodies to some extent. Like it or not, it is the unhealed five-year-old who is in the driver’s seat when you are lonely or upset. (See note) She’s the one providing the misguided solution to sit alone at night and devour a quart of New York Super Fudge Chunk ice cream.
The unhealed child in each of us is longing to be held and touched and loved unconditionally. To heal HER, you must first allow her to express how she feels. Chances are good she still has some feelings that she has never dared express. And often they involve someone else, like Mom, Dad, or a love interest. You will KNOW who the person is who is still bugging you.
So give “your unhealed child” a hand towel and a sturdy wall. And let her snap that towel against the wall with a really good, satisfying snap while yelling: “I hate it when your heart is closed to me.” Keep banging that towel against the wall for about five minutes. Then give it a rest. Repeat daily for five days or so. Then take three days off. (This is another trick I learned from Jill Rogers.)
Another way to cleanse these emotions is to take an Epsom salt bath for 20 minutes. As the water drains out of the tub, imagine ALL the anger and hurt going right down the drain.
Repeat as necessary. This is a process, not an event.
Step two: Create community based on your desires.
As I said earlier, we are herd creatures. And we need each other. Years ago, I told my daughters this truth: Everyone is looking for a good gig. Every one of us wants to be invited to a good party. We are ALL looking for the people, places, and events that feel like HOME to us. Like in the old television show Cheers, “You want to go where everybody knows your name.”
When my daughters left home for college, I was struck by the fact that their colleges had meticulously planned and orchestrated the orientation process in such a way that friendships and community were virtually guaranteed. The colleges knew that the relationships they formed at this pivotal moment would likely last a lifetime—or at least during their four years of schooling.
Back then, I was newly divorced—and felt cut adrift from the social life I had known—and I couldn’t help but think that midlife adults needed what my daughters were experiencing as freshmen. But it didn’t exist. So instead of continuing to feel lonely, I decided to get out of my comfort zone and pursue an unfulfilled desire.
I had always wanted to learn how to dance. I started there. Without a partner. And without knowing a soul. Dancing was my true north. Now I have my community—we dance close-embrace tango, cook meals, go sailing, and go to movies. I feel whole, and complete, and lacking in nothing. And each day life gets better.
You can do exactly the same thing! With a little creative thinking, you’ll see that there are plenty of things you can do on your own that won’t make you feel alone. There’s no time like the present to pursue one of your burning, unfulfilled desires. Chances are it will open you up to new people and experiences that you’ll enjoy more than you ever thought possible. Just remember: YOU are whole, complete, and lacking in nothing. Hold onto that feeling, and let the Law of Attraction work its magic.
Note: To know the age of your inner child in need of healing, pick a number between one and ten. Whatever age first comes to mind is the age of the child in charge.
Have you ever felt you were lacking or incomplete? If so, how did you deal with your discomfort? Have you ever stepped out of your comfort zone and tried something new as a way to meet new people or develop a new side of yourself? I would love to hear what you think. I welcome any and all comments. And please share this blog with anyone you think could benefit from reading it.