In the not so distant past, people would say a child came from a “broken home” if the child’s parents were divorced. And this was considered a great tragedy. Many people, who really needed to separate, stayed together “for the sake of the children.” Although each situation is different, I can assure you that when a parent is miserable and stays in a miserable situation for the children’s sake, the child learns that miserable is normal for relationships. She also learns how to put up with misery. Tosha Silver, a writer and astrologer, told me that she considers a family “broken” when people who obviously dislike each other stay together for the sake of the kids. And I agree.
Tosha (who has done over 30,000 readings on individuals) has worked with countless couples who continue to stay together—even when the kids are begging them to separate. Tosha has often heard children say they were relieved and grateful that their parents finally told them the truth about their relationship. Children are very astute about this. Even the youngest of children can sense that there is something wrong. Because these same children aren’t mature enough to know it’s mommy and daddy who have the problem, they blame themselves for the divorce. They also believe that if their home is broken, they must be somehow broken, too.
I’ll never forget the day my 15-year-old daughter said, “When I go to college, I won’t be coming home for vacations.” She was really informing me that being with both of her parents was just too stressful and unpleasant for her. Though we didn’t fight openly, the growing incompatibility was palpable. (We hadn’t separated yet, but did later that year.) I commend my daughter for coping with this situation by suggesting that the adults work it out, as opposed to getting in the middle and trying to hold the family together.
Fast forward 12 years later. My former husband is happily remarried. My two daughters have a 10-year-old stepsister who they adore and who adores them. They also have a stepmother who adores them—and they her. Now, they quite literally have two places they can call home. Since their dad lives overseas, they are welcome on two continents. I’ve chosen to call this happy situation a “broken open home.” And I encourage you to do the same.
I’ve often said that community equals immunity, because our sense of safety, security, and belonging is quite literally wired in by how many people and places welcome us and make us feel like we belong. This is one of the main reasons why individuals who felt loved as children—with people who truly cared about them—tend to be far healthier than those who come from violent or abusive backgrounds. In fact, the famous Grant Study from Harvard is an example of this. Conversely, the famous ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) which shows the link between adverse childhood experiences and illness proves the same point, but from the negative point of view.
A mother’s beliefs affect her children so powerfully that simply reframing a divorce story in a positive light for your children (regardless of their age) goes a very long way toward improving their health and happiness. After all, it’s your perception of what happened to you—and its meaning—that truly determines what impact it has on your health long term. My daughters and I see that our lives opened in new directions because of the divorce. I know we aren’t alone!
No matter what happened to you in childhood, it’s never too late to update your sense of safety and security or sense of belonging. It all begins with how you frame your experience. If you truly believe that your life was shattered by your parent’s divorce and that that is the reason for all your troubles, it’s likely that you will feel helpless and hopeless—the very emotions, which are strongly associated with a decreased immunity and an increased risk for disease.
Thankfully, divorce no longer holds the stigma that it once did. Many children now find it normal to grow up in two homes—with shared parenting. Gay and lesbian households are also far more common. So at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what your home looks like. What matters is how many people love you—how many people let you into their hearts, and how many you let into yours. If there is love and caring there—if it’s a place where you feel warm and safe and secure—then your health will be positively affected. The more of these people and places you have in your life, the better off you will be!!!
Our son is in the middle of a divorce. Thank you for giving me perspective on how to best help 3 small grandchildren navigate the changes ahead.
I agree with this and would like to see this applied to the way people look at foster care. It is an interesting conversation to re frame children in care’s story. I wonder if workers and foster parents re framed the children’s story in a positive light. There is so much stigma and negativity around this alternate family life. Hmmmm
Could you also speak to single parents who were never married? I have a friend who could use this message from her single mom perspective. She chose not to marry the father of her child and now that their daughter is 7-8, she understands a lot and is dissapointed in her flaky dad while at the same time holding on to the hope that mom and dad will marry one day…
its all so very truth,thank you for lighting us the way whith your wisdom ..love michal
Thanks.. We needed that!
Truly, Dr. Northrup, this has to be one of the most beautiful articles I have ever read on divorce. I am going to share this with my Grandchildren, who unfortunately, suffered through a very painful one. I hope and pray by reading this that it may help to start to heal the deep wounds inflicted by their loss. God bless you for such insight.
So eloquent and articulate!
I wish the outcome for my son’s was the same experience as your daughters. Instead, and in their adult lives, they have had to adjust to their step-mothers lack of support and intention to seperate their father from his adult sons and their families. It’s so sad.
I really enjoyed this article but still do not think you even need the word ‘broken’ – it still gives the idea that something is ‘broken’ and a negative conatation, when separating is actually rectifying an unhappy marriage and by living separately and share caring the children you are ‘unbreaking’ a negative, destructive and damaging relationship.
To break open is liberation …to break free..or have been broken free of the negativity
Thank you for the article.
I was a child from a broken home. And yes, on the one hand it was hard when my parents seperated but on the other hand it was overdue and I knew.
For my Mom it was a door-opener and certainly it also was for my sister and me.
I totally share your opinion about parents staying together for the sake of the children. It’s the worst thing parents can do to “protect” their children.
Thanks for sharing this article.
I love: “the child learns..miserable is normal.. She also learns how to put up with misery.”
Do you really mean, and do studies really show, that the QUANTITY of love is the causative factor, as in “What matters is how many people love you” rather than QUALITY? Do you really believe that other people “make us feel” – Or is “If you truly believe that.. ” & “it’s your perception of what happened to you..that..determines what impact it has.” more true for you? Thanks for your great work!
Thank you Dr.Northrup~love your e-newsletter~you truly are my mentor!:))
I divorced my daughter’s father when she was two which immediately improved our quality of life. I have disliked the label of “broken home” for years, saying our home is not broken, my marriage is no longer broken, I’m not broken, and my daughter isn’t broken. We don’t need to be mended or fixed. We need our friends and family to step up and validate the choices we make. We need to stop telling our kids that they come from brokenness, because it’s not true.
And what happents, when a woman stays completely alone with her daughter after divorce, when the man is not there anymore and is no other family there?