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By Jackie Papandrew
Mom Writer’s Literary Magazine | Winter 2006
Dr. Christiane Northrup, a pioneer in the field of women’s health and wellness, is the author of three best-selling books, including Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom and The Wisdom of Menopause. Her third book, Mother-Daughter Wisdom, was a 2005 Quill Award nominee and voted Amazon’s #1 book of the year in both the parenting and mind-body health categories in 2005. She has hosted five public television specials, and a sixth program will air nationwide in March 2007. A board-certified OB/GYN physician who graduated from Dartmouth Medical School and did her residency at Tufts New England Medical Center, Dr. Northrup was also an assistant clinical professor of OB/GYN at Maine Medical Center for over 20 years. |
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Mom Writer's Literary Magazine: Your best-selling book, Mother-Daughter Wisdom, discusses how the bond between mothers and daughters affects women’s physical and emotional health. Does this come as a surprise to your readers? What kind of results have you seen, in emotional and physical healing, when women examine their relationships with their mothers? How did you discover this close connection – through patient observation, research. |
| Christiane Northrup:While in practice as an OB/GYN, I noticed early on that the things a woman had learned from her mother about the menstrual cycle, the uterus, sex, childbirth, breasts, etc. always had a far deeper affect on her health than anything I could teach her. For example, if her mother believed that the menstrual cycle is a nuisance and that it needs to be hidden at all costs— or denied, then her daughter is very likely to feel the same way — and to experience difficult periods. I saw this pattern hundreds of times in my practice. And I also experienced it in my own life. In writing the book, I realized that my own mother had held this view — back in the 1930's when she got her period, she was no longer able to play baseball (her major love in life) with the boys. She begged her mother to take her to the hospital and get her "fixed" so that she wouldn't have to endure her period anymore. Although my mother told me all about the "facts of life" when I was nine, what I really picked up on was her fear of sex, her dislike of being in a female body, etc. Looking back, it makes perfect sense to me why I had terrible menstrual cramps and had to be taken home from school once per month during my school years. She was simply passing on an unhealed and unexamined legacy which I was playing out biologically. (Note: the body is a manifestation of ideas. Every thought we think is accompanied by biochemical and metabolic reactions in our bodies. When we bring adverse beliefs to consciousness, we can change their effects on our biology. It's that simple. And that is the message of the book!) |
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| MWLM:What mistakes do you often see women make with their own daughters that contribute to problems in later life? What advice do you most often give to mothers? What most worries you about women’s lives today? |
| CN:The biggest mistake I see women make with their daughters is passing on their own fears about their bodies and their limiting beliefs about what's possible. These beliefs are at the root of why mothers often try so hard to control their daughters’ behavior. And also why so many women use martyrdom and self-sacrifice to try to prove their worth and manipulate others, e.g. "If you really loved me, you'd build an apartment on your house for me so that I know I'd have somewhere to go when I get old and sick." Carl Jung, the famous psychiatrist, once said that the most potent force in a child's life is the unlived dreams of his or her parents. Some mothers make the mistake of trying to live out their own unmet needs through their daughters. Some are jealous of the freedom that their daughters have and they didn't.
The most important advice I have for mothers is this: do everything in your power to be an example of a healthy, happy, fulfilled woman! Even if doing so means that you can't always be there to do things for your daughter. In the end, a happy, fulfilled mother is the absolute best gift a mother can give her daughter — and such a mother provides a shining beacon of possibility for her daughter.
I am not at all worried about women today!!! The baby boom generation -- which broke all the rules for women — has broken new ground and is the first generation in human history in which women are no longer economically dependent upon men (at least in the U.S.). Women are better investors, better business people, more health conscious, and make over 80% of all purchasing and healthcare decisions. Our daughters are the direct beneficiaries of all of our hard-won wisdom. And the relationships between mothers and daughters are stronger and healthier than ever because of that. |
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| MWLM:Do many women, particularly moms, neglect themselves and if so, how do you encourage them to incorporate self-care into their busy lives? Do modern mothers inflict unnecessary guilt upon themselves and if so, what is the impact of this guilt? |
| CN:Absolutely — guilt is a mother's middle name. I had gobs of it myself — especially when my children were little and I was working very long hours — with night call, surgery, etc. But now that my kids are 23 and 25, I can tell you that I wouldn't have changed a thing!! Here's what I tell women. This isn't a competition. You are the ONLY mother your kids will ever have. There's no such thing as a perfect mother. There is, however, a sort of pervasive "Leave it to Beaver" perfect-mother mythology going around that kids pick up on to get their needs met. For example, my youngest daughter always said, "Why can't you be like the other mothers?" By that she meant, "Why can't you stay home, bake cookies, and be there for me 24/7?" It made me feel really guilty. If I had "de-selfed" myself to meet only my daughter's needs and none of my own, I would be a REAL problem for them today. I'd have become an empty shell who didn't have a life without their company (a real problem for many empty-nesters who have a hard time letting go of their daughters). One acquaintance (of mine) sold her house when her daughter entered college and moved to her daughter's college town so that she wouldn't "miss out" on anything!!! FLAG on the PLAY!!
Bottom line: Healthy caregiving absolutely MUST include the mother herself — just like healthy breast-feeding requires that the mother be rested and nourished. Otherwise, she has no milk supply!! You can't nourish another from an empty cup. But when you include yourself in the people you care for, you will be able to truly nourish others from the fullness of your heart. This kind of care feels fabulous to your children. The other kind just disintegrates into martyrdom and self-sacrifice. And then your daughter — who desperately needs and wants your love — learns that the only way to get love is to do the same thing as you — sacrifice herself. It's what I call the "mother-daughter" chain of pain.
Having said all that, I believe that today's children are subjected to FAR too many activities — and today's families are running in a million different directions. A mother who trusts herself can put a stop to this insanity very easily. She can say, "Okay — each of you gets one after-school activity. You get to choose. But no more than that. Our family time — and our sanity —are more valuable than ALL the activities in the world.
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| MWLM:Are you writing a book now? If so, what is it about? Do you write every day? |
CN:I have just completely revised both Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom and The Wisdom of Menopause. These revisions took me two years. I also just completed a Wisdom of Menopause journal as a companion to the Wisdom of Menopause. And I taped my sixth public television special in October — it's called Menopause and Beyond: New Wisdom for Women.
For the first time since 1992, I DO NOT have a book contract!!! (It took me eight years to complete Mother-Daughter Wisdom!) I am reveling in NOT having a book deadline at the moment. I know that my next book will be about male/female relationships — the material is now percolating. But I'm not ready to really write it for at least a year. I need some down time to recharge my batteries. On the other hand, I have a monthly e-letter and newsletter. And I write for those several days a week. They are like an on-going "practice" of sorts. But it's not the same as a book.
As you can see, I also write big, well-referenced, in-depth books. Each one is like delivering a 10-pound baby. This mama needs a BREAK!! |
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| MWLM:How has motherhood affected your work, and how has your work influenced the kind of mother you’ve been? |
CN:Motherhood made me human. It was the biggest life change I've ever gone through. And it opened my heart and made me come to grips with my limitations. I developed a huge breast abscess while trying to nurse my first child exclusively while also working 80 hours per week!! Insane, I know. This taught me a huge lesson about taking care of myself while also taking care of my daughter. And I realized that I was not going to be a perfect mother! And that a little formula wasn't going to make a big difference in my daughter's life!!
Motherhood has influenced EVERY aspect of my work and my life. Once you're a mother, you are ALWAYS a mother — and your kids are always in your consciousness. You can't help it. I organized my work around motherhood, I started Women to Women, one of the very first women-only medical centers of its kind at the time — because I wanted to be able to mother my kids AND do my work (This just wasn't possible in the male-dominated and controlled practice I was in right after my training.)
My medical knowledge has helped me tremendously as a mother — because I know so much about health and illness. My kids have always been healthy, and they are not overly medicalized. As an insider, I know what medical care can and can't do. (Believe me, a lot of doctors are this way) So we've consumed VERY little of conventional medicine. Our health care pretty much consists of acupuncture, massage, good supplementation, exercise, and a good diet. Those things trump routine physicals and drug prescriptions every time if vibrant health is your goal. |
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| MWLM:How do you include men in your counsel to women and are men sometimes more skeptical of your advice than women? |
CN:It has been my experience that men really, really want to support and please the women in their lives. But often they don't know how. And women don't know how to ask for support in a straightforward, non-manipulative way. e.g. "If you really loved me, you'd KNOW what I need and want without me having to ask." And many women have so much unexpressed anger at men that we treat the good ones poorly. (Many married women get together and complain about what clods their husbands are, for example. This is so disrespectful of men.) That said, I realize that there are many self-centered, narcissistic men out there. But I'm talking about the vast majority who really want to be heroes for us.
The key here is for women to articulate their desires instead of always focusing on pleasing men!!! When we're focused on pleasing THEM, they don't get a chance to serve us!! And really -- most men live to serve women (or the feminine) and be approved by us. I came fairly late to this knowledge. And I also, like many women of my generation, took my knocks in male-dominated institutions. But now that I no longer compete with guys — and don't have to work for them or depend on one economically — I'm having the best time of my life with men, including my formerly skeptical brothers!! In the past, I was always trying to convince my ex-husband about my beliefs and my way of practicing medicine. (He was an orthopedic surgeon.) I felt that I needed his approval. After my divorce, I finally "found" myself. And I trust myself so much that I don't care if men (or women who think like men) are skeptical. Of course they're skeptical. Their brains are organized differently. They think "cause and effect,” linear and Newtonian. We think multimodal and quantum. And the world is becoming multimodal and quantum!! When you fall in love with the way your own brain works, you won't get defensive anymore — or think that you're supposed to think like a man!! That's the first step toward freedom!! The key is for a woman to have enough self-esteem and self-trust to know what she wants. And the other key is for her to not have to "ask permission" for anything from a man — or get approval from her man to feel good about herself. That's when the real fun begins.
Back in the first days of Women to Women, some of my patients would say to me, " My husband thinks you're crackers!" And I'd say, "That's fine. What do YOU think?" And I'd find that many of them simply didn't trust what they knew in their bones — which is that their beliefs and their thoughts, and their diet, and their activities all colluded to create their state of health!! And that to get healthy, they needed to attend to body, mind and spirit — and not just take a drug to wipe out symptoms!!! The male model is a "pill for every ill." But it simply doesn't work. And most women KNOW that. As I've traveled around the world, the biggest compliment I get from women is this "I've always known the truth of what you say in your books. I just never articulated it. Nor have I ever heard a doctor say it." When women get strong enough to own what they know, they will find that the men in their lives usually go along. Yes -- they grumble and grumble for a while. And in the end, they go along. Women have so much more power to fulfill their desires than they realize. It's astounding. Get enough self-esteem to know what you want and ask for it. This is what's transforming health care. For example, Beth Israel Hospital in NYC is now integrating alternative medicine into EVERY department, including oncology, radiation, surgery, etc. This is astounding and wonderful!! And why are they doing it? Because it WORKS!! And because women, who make most all the healthcare decisions, are asking for it!!
I always include men — I do this by telling them that my work addresses the "feminine" that is inside each and every one of them. Or I tell them that each of them has a mother, a sister, a wife, a daughter — and that the more they know about this stuff, the better husband, father, brother they will be!! I also keep the discussions light and fun. And make sure that each guy knows that he isn't personally responsible for the kind of harm that's been done to women by men throughout the ages. (This is, of course, very well documented. But it doesn't help ANY of us to keep it going any longer than is necessary to feel it and release it!)
You'd be surprised how many men like my work and write to me. Recently, a Polish construction worker from Chicago faxed me a note about how much my PBS show on Mothers and Daughters meant to him as a son. He said, "Men feel the same way about their mothers as many daughters!!" I've found that it's best to assume that men are really, really interested in this stuff. But they've been talked out of it by our culture's insistence that being a man means that they're only interested in sports, drinking beer, having sex and not talking about their feelings. I find that this simply isn't true.
The baby boom generation — by going out and taking on formerly male roles, did the much-needed job of breaking the old "rules" that kept women dependent economically. But we did so by trying to become LIKE men. This was a mistake. But it was also a necessary transition.
I'm very, very excited about the next generation of young women — and their chances for true partnership relationships with men — in which they decide to be together to enhance each other's lives, not just because of economics.
Oh — one more thing — There's a LOT of science that backs up and validates my work. Having this scientific basis makes it much easier for skeptical men (and women) to take a closer look!! |
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| MWLM:What is your advice to writing moms? |
| CN:Writing is a lifeline — a way to keep in touch with your deepest self throughout the years when everyone is pulling on you and wanting a piece of you. Writing is what helped me keep my sanity and my center during the many years of doctoring and mothering young children. So keep writing (Actually, no real writer can STOP writing- it's a compulsion.) And know that your writing is an important contribution to the world -- and to your children. |
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Jackie Papandrew is a freelance writer, wife, mother and coffee addict living in Florida. Her syndicated humor column, Airing My Dirty Laundry, tickles the funny bone with tales of troublesome teenagers, the agony of aging gums, laughing llamas and bizarre Blackberry behavior – and that’s just for starters. Her work appears regularly in a variety of publications, including the Chicken Soup for the Soul series, The Cleveland Plain Dealer, The Oklahoman and Total 180 magazine, as well as on several Web sites.
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