As you know by now, my new book, The Secret Pleasures of Menopause, has just been released. And the big secret that’s revealed in this book is that the second half of your life can be the very best half of your life. Why? Because by virtue of having lived through the first half of your life, you now know what’s important and what’s not. Something that would have really thrown you off course at the age of 30 or younger doesn’t bother you a bit.

Here’s an example. Back in my 30’s I was walking down the hospital corridor after going to the ladies room. And one of the anesthesiogists stopped me to tell me that my skirt was tucked up into my panty hose! I thought I’d die of embarrassment. I thought of little else for three days. It made me sick to my stomach. Would he tell all the other doctors? How could I have been such a fool? My mind reeled with the shame of it all. And it was a physical reaction that I simply couldn’t talk myself out of—no matter how hard I tried.

Having done quite a bit of work on the subject of shame at that time, I also knew (intellectually at least), that my reaction had something to do with some kind of shameful experience from childhood in which I had learned that anything having to do with the bathroom and exposure of one’s underwear was truly shameful. I couldn’t remember any childhood trauma of this nature, however.

Fast-forward 20 years. In my early 50’s, I was in a Starbucks in California. And when I emerged from the ladies room, one of the young women behind the counter told me that my skirt was tucked up into my pantyhose! This time I simply laughed, removed the skirt, and didn’t think another thing of it—except to congratulate myself on having thrown off so much shame in the ensuing 20 years!! I’ll bet you can come up with your own examples.

By the age of 50 or so, your self-worth is no longer based nearly as much on how you look, who you’re with, or many of the other externals factors that are simply not that important. By the age of 50 most of us have also gone through the death of at least a few close loved ones. (My father and sister died within a nine months of each other when I was 27 years old.) We know what grief feels like. And compared to the loss of a family member or other loved one, walking out of the ladies room flashing your backside to the world is truly no big deal! So whether it’s a small humiliation or a big grief, at midlife you know the truth of the saying, “This too shall pass.” What a huge relief, eh?

I have to pinch myself when I realize that my fourth book, The Secret Pleasures of Menopause, has been out for about a month now!! In the past several years, people had often asked me what my next book would be about and when they could expect to see it in the bookstores. I always replied that I didn’t know. The only thing I was sure of was that I wanted the process of writing it be as pleasurable and fun as life at midlife can be!

I had no idea how I was going to manifest this, given that my other three books have been fairly massive labors of love that took anywhere between two to eight years to complete!! (Yes, I was born in the year of the Ox—slow, plodding, but relentless.) By the law of attraction and the fact that “that which you are seeking is also seeking you,” I held out for what I desired. And conjured just the right people to support me in learning the art of writing a small book that is medically accurate, was enjoyable to write, and also easy to read!

What was simply an idea less than two years ago is now a delightful little book, which will land in just the right hands at the right time and in exactly the right way!! I say this because right now the mainstream media that would usually promote The Secret Pleasures of Menopause is completely consumed with the economic crisis and the new administration in Washington, D.C. That’s okay. Back in 1994 when my first book Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom came out, O.J. Simpson was driving his white Ford Bronco in that high-speed police pursuit, and all my TV and radio interviews along with my other media were cancelled. But the angels got that book out there. So I have faith in The Secret Pleasures of Menopause, too!

Hope to see you at a book signing!!

Recently, I received a question from a craniosacral practitioner. She told me that many of her mid-life female patients are discovering that they are unhappy with their marriages. They are intelligent, kind, devoted wives and moms, yet are disconnected from their husbands. She asked what I would recommend to help them sort out their feelings. I have a lot to suggest.

First, though, it’s important to understand the reason this is happening at midlife—women are heeding their inner wisdom and wondering “What about me?” We women are socialized to identify with our roles as wives and mothers. And, depending upon what you saw your mother do, you may well engage in behavior that puts your own authentic needs last while you go about the business of tending to your husband and children.

If you’re to remain healthy, this pattern has to change. My advice is this: Focus on yourself and your own needs (what a novel idea!).

To do that, go to Marshall Rosenberg’s Web site on non-violent communication and look at the list of human needs. These include reassurance, touch, rest, sleep, self-development, pleasure, understanding, validation, etc. Many women have been shamed by their families for even having needs, let alone asking that these needs be met. A harried stay-at-home mom needs to learn to say, “I’ve had a very long day. I need 30 minutes alone to take a bath. Please assist me by doing the dishes and feeding the dog so that I can take the time I need.” Notice there is no pleading, no whining, no justification. Just a straightforward articulation of a need.

Here’s another important point: Most women have been socialized to put their husband’s needs and desires ahead of their own. Worse still, we’ve been socialized to believe that a man can fulfill you (as in Jerry Maguire—“You complete me”). This is a myth, pure and simple. Women need good friends to hang out with, to talk with, to travel with, to have fun with. Your husband simply cannot do for you what girlfriends can.

Rather than think that you need a new man, you need to become a new woman. You need to put your own fulfillment and pleasure first on the list. Yes—we get enormous pleasure from providing for others. But you have to make sure this doesn’t disintegrate into self-sacrifice, which inevitably leads to resentment.

The whole reason I wrote The Secret Pleasures of Menopause and The Secret Pleasures of Menopause Playbook was to help women learn how to put fun and pleasure back into their lives. Believe me, the vast majority of husbands would just love it if you became playful and happy instead of waiting for them to make the first move. Here’s the bottom line: A turned on woman is what turns on a man. And when I say “turned on,” I mean turned on to life, not just to sex.

You can rejuvenate a marriage by first learning how to have a love affair with yourself. One of the best resources I’ve found in this regard are the books Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts 101 and Mama Gena’s Owner’s and Operator’s Guide to Men, both written by Regena Thomashauer, the founder of the Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts in New York City. I have seen many marriages completely rejuvenated when a woman learns how to embrace pleasure as a way to take the world by the tail. Trust me. This stuff works!

p.s. For any woman who is married to an abusive or completely self-absorbed man who doesn’t respect her, it’s sometimes best for her to cut her losses and get out, if possible.