Recently, I received a question from a craniosacral practitioner. She told me that many of her mid-life female patients are discovering that they are unhappy with their marriages. They are intelligent, kind, devoted wives and moms, yet are disconnected from their husbands. She asked what I would recommend to help them sort out their feelings. I have a lot to suggest.

First, though, it’s important to understand the reason this is happening at midlife—women are heeding their inner wisdom and wondering “What about me?” We women are socialized to identify with our roles as wives and mothers. And, depending upon what you saw your mother do, you may well engage in behavior that puts your own authentic needs last while you go about the business of tending to your husband and children.

If you’re to remain healthy, this pattern has to change. My advice is this: Focus on yourself and your own needs (what a novel idea!).

To do that, go to Marshall Rosenberg’s Web site on non-violent communication and look at the list of human needs. These include reassurance, touch, rest, sleep, self-development, pleasure, understanding, validation, etc. Many women have been shamed by their families for even having needs, let alone asking that these needs be met. A harried stay-at-home mom needs to learn to say, “I’ve had a very long day. I need 30 minutes alone to take a bath. Please assist me by doing the dishes and feeding the dog so that I can take the time I need.” Notice there is no pleading, no whining, no justification. Just a straightforward articulation of a need.

Here’s another important point: Most women have been socialized to put their husband’s needs and desires ahead of their own. Worse still, we’ve been socialized to believe that a man can fulfill you (as in Jerry Maguire—“You complete me”). This is a myth, pure and simple. Women need good friends to hang out with, to talk with, to travel with, to have fun with. Your husband simply cannot do for you what girlfriends can.

Rather than think that you need a new man, you need to become a new woman. You need to put your own fulfillment and pleasure first on the list. Yes—we get enormous pleasure from providing for others. But you have to make sure this doesn’t disintegrate into self-sacrifice, which inevitably leads to resentment.

The whole reason I wrote The Secret Pleasures of Menopause and The Secret Pleasures of Menopause Playbook was to help women learn how to put fun and pleasure back into their lives. Believe me, the vast majority of husbands would just love it if you became playful and happy instead of waiting for them to make the first move. Here’s the bottom line: A turned on woman is what turns on a man. And when I say “turned on,” I mean turned on to life, not just to sex.

You can rejuvenate a marriage by first learning how to have a love affair with yourself. One of the best resources I’ve found in this regard are the books Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts 101 and Mama Gena’s Owner’s and Operator’s Guide to Men, both written by Regena Thomashauer, the founder of the Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts in New York City. I have seen many marriages completely rejuvenated when a woman learns how to embrace pleasure as a way to take the world by the tail. Trust me. This stuff works!

p.s. For any woman who is married to an abusive or completely self-absorbed man who doesn’t respect her, it’s sometimes best for her to cut her losses and get out, if possible.

As you know, I’ve been researching the beneficial effects of pleasure as a health strategy for the last few years. To get in on these benefits, you have to become a student of your own pleasure. You have to know what lights you up. What turns you on. Here’s the challenge. Many women don’t even know! Why? Because we’ve been brought up in households in which our unique approach to pleasure wasn’t recognized. Or perhaps was even criticized. Hence it can take a while to recognize it.

That certainly was my story. I grew up in a household of world class athletes who were gung ho to get up every morning and go running or make the first tracks in the powder that had fallen (on the slopes) the night before. Every family vacation involved carrying a backpack and climbing a mountain. My mother, Edna Northrup, reveled in these activities, which you really have to give her credit for. It’s not easy getting five children out the door with ski equipment on! Though I’ll always be grateful for the discipline of the physical activity, I never quite fit in. And I always thought something was wrong with me because I didn’t get the same kick out of these activities.

This year I discovered the field of shamanic astrology and the importance of the planet Venus—the planet of love and beauty. I found out that my Venus is in Scorpio, the sign of the courtesan, and someone who seeks the honey of tango, good food, sensuality, and dance as a way to experience life force and pleasure. My mother, on the other hand, has her Venus in Aquarius. Venus in Aquarius is the sign of the person who needs to go to the mountaintop to experience the big picture of freedom.

Venus in Scorpio and Venus in Aquarius are two very different ways in which to experience pleasure. This past winter, I got a nod from the Universe about this. Mom and I both lectured at a Team Northrup seminar in Austin, Texas. Mom, age 83, drove her camper from Ellicottville, New York all the way to Austin, Texas with her friend Anne, who is 85. They were on their way to Sedona, Arizona together. When I said goodbye to them at the end of the conference, I stood behind my mother’s camper so we could have our pictures taken. And for the very first time, I saw the brand name of my mother’s camper: “Pleasure Way.” And the wheel cover said, “The Pleasure Way to Travel.” I laughed and laughed. And realized that my mother has been following her Venus in Aquarius bliss for many years.

My mother has, indeed, been following her Pleasure Way! And though it took me a while, I have also finally found my pleasure way. It simply doesn’t involve a camper or a trek up a mountain at the crack of dawn! To find out about your Venus position, just Google Free Astrology Chart. Then put in your birth date, time, and place, and your chart wheel will appear. You’ll be able to see where your Venus is located, including what sign it’s in. Read about that sign, and it will give you a big clue as to how you like to experience pleasure and love!

p.s. You can see a picture of my mom and me in front of The Pleasure Way in the photo gallery On the Road 2009.

Women sometimes ask me what I think of vibrators. I must admit that I don't think about them very much, although I'm amazed by the number of these little devices that are available today. I once went into a store in Provincetown, Massachusetts called Toys of Eros (or something like that), and had a good time asking the salesman, aptly named Rod, to show me the goods. (The rubber suits and corsets were intriguing, too.) I felt like a medical researcher, not a voyeur. And as a researcher, I was surprised to learn the history of the vibrator a few years later.

In her book The Technology of Orgasm, historian Rachel Maines documents the amazing fact that the first vibrators, powered by steam, were used in the 1860’s by doctors to bring women to orgasm in their offices. Why? Orgasm was used as a treatment for all kinds of so-called female problems, including hysteria, depression, and listlessness! Using a vibrator was faster and required less skill than the manual method that doctors had employed before that.

When electric vibrators showed up in blue movies in the early 1900’s, the respectability of this treatment fell from grace. Maines and her colleagues also made a very entertaining and eye-opening movie about this called Passion and Power which is women’s history at its finest.

Nowadays, vibrators are available everywhere. And many women enjoy using them. Dr. Ruth has endorsed a particularly interesting device known as an eroscillator with all kind of different attachments.

That said, enjoy your vibrator. But also experiment with other ways of feeling more with less! This will allow nitric oxide to easily flood the body, providing many health benefits. Perhaps those doctors in the 1860’s were on to something after all.

During the first week of May, I took part in a live teleconference that was part of the Inspiring Women Summit, a global gathering of over 26,000 women from 117 countries. My topic was the pleasure-health connection, and I participated in a conversation on this subject with Joan Borysenko, Ph.D., Elayne Doughty, and Regena Thomahauser (a/k/a Mama Gena).

We all talked for 20 minutes before going live. Our moderator suggested that we entertain the question Why don’t women allow themselves more pleasure? My friend Regena instantly took the conversation in a more pleasurable direction by saying, “We all know why women don’t allow themselves pleasure. We’re conditioned to serve others from birth. How about we instead explore all the wonderful ways that each of us is including pleasure in our own lives, and then take it from there?”

Great idea—we all agreed. Then each of us reported in on what we were wearing. Regena had on red satin tap pants and 5-inch stiletto heels. Joan was in sweat pants, having just finished a day of work on her latest book entitled Fried—all about burnout. I was in yoga pants and a tank top, but then donned my tango shoes just for the fun of it. 

Happily laughing, we started the call. Our first question was What is the science behind the pleasure/health connection and why is this important for women? I began by talking all about nitric oxide as the molecule of life force. Nitric oxide is produced by the endothelial lining of each blood vessel of our bodies, increases circulation, and is also the “uber” neurotransmitter, which balances all the others, including serotonin and other feel-good hormones. I also talked about an observation I had while teaching at Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts. I noticed that when women had the courage to make pleasure a deliberate pursuit in their lives, they would heal from physical ailments. Joan Borysenko, a cell biologist, also talked about the fact that nitric oxide is increased in all states of love and appreciation, whether that’s appreciation of nature or animals. 

After we had established the scientific basis for pleasure, we all dove in and shared our own approach to pleasure. Mine includes taking a bath each night before bed and reading. I also dance regularly. Joan talked about how her dog made a trip to the garbage can a wonderful event, which was fun to be part of. And Regena and Elayne talked about the fun of dressing up and creating “costumes.”

We had a ball on this call. And we all reveled in the idea that our conversation was then taken up by small groups of participants and has also been recorded and is available free to all women. We loved the idea that women in Egypt, Lebanon, France, Canada, and all over the world have access to this kind of celebratory information. And Elayne, who works with Eve Ensler in the Congo—where women are routinely raped and beaten—also shared that these women, despite everything, still have a huge amount of joy in their lives.

Pleasure is a game changer. And understanding its importance can save your life.  Really.