The stress of the holidays is often felt more by non-traditional families, such as those who have been divorced and are raising children on their own. I received this question from a member of my web site’s Women’s Wisdom Circle. Married or single, if you’re struggling to give your children all that you want them to have—while also trying to protect your soul—I hope the answer speaks to you.

Dr. Northrup,

How can I, as a single mom, continue to take care of my own needs when I find myself “picking up the pieces” when my children’s Dad cancels on them? My former husband often cancels on the kids and then plays the role of the “Disneyland” dad, swooping in with present and trips to make up for it. Do you have any words of wisdom to protect my spirit?

I have grown so much reading your books,

Y.C.

Dear Y.C.,

The first thing you absolutely must know, deep down, is that your children choose BOTH of you as parents. On a soul level, they knew what they were getting into. They have his genes as much as yours. Though it is not apparent to you now, your kids will ultimately get what they need from him. Life is LONG. And I’m guessing you will at least see this in retrospect.

Let him surprise you. I recommend that you give your former husband a chance to fail or succeed. Ultimately, you cannot control everything that happens to your children. Sometimes, you can’t even help them to heal, but a lot of times you can. Be open to what he might do, even though it’s not what you would do, and beware of the “self-fulfilling prophecy” that he WILL screw up.

Men like to win. Is there a way to help him win with the kids? Can you find him “doing it right?” This is not easy. But I’ll tell you this, when your children feel your support for their Dad, the situation is likely to change. When women try to control the situation overly much, their ex resists. But when you ask for help—genuinely and from your heart, and attempt to make him a hero—chances are good that he’ll surprise you and actually step up to the plate. The key here is to ask him for support with NO anger.

Can you find the perfection in the situation between you and him? That’s absolutely key. And this is NOT easy! Everything you can do to loosen your fear and guilt around all of this is the start of protecting your spirit. Way back when I went through my divorce, I was certain that I was wrecking my children’s lives. But lo and behold, my newfound sense of myself, and my ultimate total forgiveness of their father, did two things: 1) it allowed him to step up to the plate, and 2) it allowed my girls to see their mother as a happy, thriving, prosperous woman.

The bottom line is this: The biggest gift you can give your children is your own happiness. And that happiness comes when you let YOURSELF off the hook and stop trying to be all things to your children. In fact, I’d suggest learning how to ask THEM for support on a regular basis. I’ll bet you’ll be surprised at what happens. And give yourself the time and space to do some yoga, take a long bath, or read a good book. The laundry and cleaning will always be there. Lower your standards!

 I hope this helps.

Warmly,

Christiane Northrup, MD

The holidays are a crucible for relationship meltdowns. Loved ones with differing expectations, familial patterns, and needs get together to create a “Hallmark moment.” Even in the best of circumstances, this can be a set up for dysfunction and stress. At midlife, it can be even tougher. I wrote about this in the newly revised edition of The Wisdom of Menopause, which will be available in January 2012.

“It is no secret that relationship crises are a common side effect of menopause. Usually this is attributed to the crazy-making effects of the hormonal shifts occurring in a woman’s body at this time of transition. What is rarely acknowledged or understood is that as these hormone-driven changes affect the brain, they give a woman a sharper eye for inequity and injustice, and a voice that insists on speaking up about them. In other words, they uncover hidden wisdom—and the courage to voice it. As the vision-obscuring veil created by the hormones of reproduction begins to lift, a woman’s youthful fire and spirit are often rekindled, together with long-sublimated desires and creative drives. Midlife fuels those drives with a volcanic energy that demands an outlet.

“If it does not find an outlet—if the woman remains silent for the sake of keeping the peace at home or work, or if she holds herself back from pursuing her creative urges and desires—the result is equivalent to plugging the vent on a pressure cooker: Something has to give. Very often what gives is the woman’s health, and the result will be one or more of the “big three” diseases of postmenopausal women: heart disease, depression, and breast cancer. On the other hand, for those of us who choose to honor the body’s wisdom and to express what lies within us, it’s a good idea to get ready for some boat rocking, which may put long-established relationships in upheaval. Marriage is not immune to this effect.”

And neither are your relationships with other family members.

Your family and friends are bound to respond differently to you as you grow and change. When it comes to these dynamics, change makes people uncomfortable—how will your newly adopted lifestyle affect them? Even changing your hairstyle is enough to stir the pot, sometimes.

So what can you do? Here are some ideas:

1. See it for the Petri dish it is. Expect resistance!
2. Remind yourself that it’s OK not to be the good girl who sees to everyone’s needs except her own. This goes for any pattern you’re trying to break.
3. As you end or update some relationships, you may feel a little sad. That’s OK. Grieve and let go. By doing so, you’ll be protecting your health for years to come.
4. Laugh. Bringing humor into a situation almost always eases tension.
5. Distance yourself—even if it means skipping the traditional family get together—so you don’t become emotional or stressed by others’ behavior.

I would love to hear about how you’ve established new boundaries as you have grown through the years. Please leave a comment below! Note: Comments are not posted immediately, but often show up in 24 hours or less.